Kiss Carrie Bradshaw Good-Bye

Love, love, love Carrie Bradshaw! Surely you know her, from “Sex And The City”? Played by the effervescently fabulous actress and fashion diva Sarah Jessica Parker? No?? Honey, how big of a rock have you been hiding under?

     I will admit: I came to the SATC party late. The series ran from 1998 to 2004, and I never watched it. Never. I was vaguely aware of it from all the Emmys it won, but in my mind it was some smutty show about over-sexed bimbos. It was on HBO, for Pete's sake, and you had to pay to watch that channel like pay-per-view porn. My bestie had mentioned from time to time what a hoot “the girls” were and I had enjoyed Sarah Jessica's free-spirited movie characters in “Footloose” and “L.A. Story,” but I never bothered to give it a try. Then one day in 2009, when my entire world was in the crapper and videos were my escape haven, I saw “Sex And The City – The Movie” on the library shelf. I checked it out. I watched it. More accurately, I devoured it. Knowing next to nothing about the characters or back story, still I was hooked. Even by Mr. Big, who hurt my girl Carrie when he couldn't get out of the car to marry her but redeemed himself in the end. In the closet. With double doors. I'll say no more, don't want to be a spoiler, except seeing that movie was a life changer. I had something to live for again. I had six whole seasons of Carrie Bradshaw's life to catch up on.

     Carrie Bradshaw. How do I love her and want to be her? Let me count the ways.

WORK: A writer for the fictional newspaper The New York Star, Carrie has a weekly column called “Sex And The City” about traversing the trials of relationships and finding love as a single gal in New York City. All that traversing takes her to the coolest NYC hot spots – clubs, restaurants, art gallery openings, benefits, fashion shows – in sky-high stilettos to cavort with celebs and fashionistas and all kinds of quirky characters. Fabulous! (In case you think I don't know any other words besides “fabulous,” I do. But when it comes to all things CB and SATC, no other word will do. Watch her. Watch it. You'll see.)

     I'm a writer. I could totally do that. I don't know much about sex and I'm certainly no whiz at relationships, but then Carrie doesn't have it all figured out either. That's why her signature phrase “I couldn't help but wonder . . .” starts the last sentence of nearly every column. So I'm willing to learn right along with her.

LOVE/LUST: Carrie has an on-again, off-again steamy romance with Big – a man with money who likes the finer things in life and abso-freakin-lutely will not be corralled by convention – played by hubba-hubba Chris Noth. Count me in big time! He is the buff bad boy you can't help falling for that makes falling, even when it hurts, so damn much fun. I have played some of Big and Carrie's sizzling scenes over and over so much that my DVD player actually groans when I hit rewind again.

     As if Big wasn't big enough to make me want her love life (he is!), through the seasons Carrie also hooked up with:

Seth, in a cameo role by Jon Bon Jovi (who just keeps getting hotter with age – so not fair). Carrie meets him in the waiting room when she tries therapy because the girls think she picks the wrong men. She finds out, after they have mind-blowing sex, that Seth is also Mr. Wrong: he is in therapy because he completely loses interest in a woman after sleeping with her. So long, Seth, but Jon Bon Jovi, you are welcome in my bed anytime. (Season Two)

Aidan Shaw, made irresistibly adorable by John Corbett, a long-time crush of mine since “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.” Aidan, a laid-back furniture designer, is the antithesis of Big: sweet, open about his feelings, and not afraid of commitment. All of which scares Carrie back into the arms (and Stanhope Hotel bed, the episode where my DVD player groaned the loudest!) of Big. Carrie and Aidan break up in Season Three, reunite and get engaged in Season Four, then split for good before the season ends when he wants to run off and tie the knot and she feels tied in knots because she's not sure she's the marrying type.

     Aidan is lovable, has a dog named Jack (I love dogs!), and can make me a big comfy armchair like the one Carrie cozies into for cocktail sipping and Vogue viewing. So if Carrie can handle Aidan calling her Pop Tart and eating fried chicken in bed for a season or two, I can, too.

Jack Berger (Ron Livingston) is a novelist Carrie meets through her publisher after her columns are turned into a book. They are a perfect intellectual match, effortlessly exchanging razor sharp banter, but can't match up in the sack until they try bringing their banter to bed. Once the sex gets good, the relationship goes bad when Berger can't handle Carrie's authorial success and ends it on a Post-it note. Yeah, a writer breaks up on a Post-it note: “I'm sorry, I can't, don't hate me.” Cruel, curt and clever, huh?

     Even though Berger turns out to be a jerk and isn't my type physically – too hairy, no five o'clock shadow at breakfast for me, thanks – I could go for a guy who stimulates my mind as much as the rest of me. And he rides a motorcycle, even more stimulation for the rest of me. So CB, I'm on board (and definitely won't be bored) with Berger as well. (Seasons Five and Six)

Aleksandr Petrovsky, Carrie's final season final fling, is portrayed by the sexy, sophisticated, and suave Mikhail Baryshnikov. Or Misha, as I affectionately call him ever since I got acquainted with his ballet brilliance and beautiful body in a college Intro to Dance class and came away wet after every class (and I don't mean with sweat!). While gallery hopping with Charlotte, Carrie meets Alek, an internationally-renowned Russian “light installation” artist. He romances her old-world style, including a snowy sleigh ride through Central Park and a black-tie slow dance at McDonald's, and convinces Carrie to move to Paris with him for his art show.

     Even though Petrovsky doesn't turn out to be the “ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other” real love Carrie is looking for, he can light me up anytime. At being romanced by Alek/Misha, I say, “Da!” At being whisked away to an expensive suite in a lovely hotel in Paris by a worldly, wealthy smoking-hot artist, I say, “Oui!” and “Ooh la la!”

FASHION: Dressed by the ever-quirky and outrageously fashion-forward costume designer/stylist Patricia Field, Carrie Bradshaw shot SATC style into the mainstream of the new millennium even bigger than “Dallas” did in the Eighties. Looking perfectly put together for anything and flawlessly fabulous in everything from a trench coat over Dolce & Gabbana sequined panties on the runway to an original Oscar de la Renta at the Met (and later McDonald's) to deep-cuffed skinny jeans over Manolos running for a taxi, CB pulled viewers in every week to indulge in the fashion as much as the storyline. Bras became chic accessories because she let them show from underneath revealing couture. Single-handedly, Carrie brought Candies back to life and put Manolo Blahniks and Christian Louboutins on every fashionista's wish list.

     Please, oh please, if there are any miracles left in this world let Pat Field be my fairy godmother and bring me the style savvy and entire wardrobe of Carrie Bradshaw! (But size it up, way up, to fit me!!) And the hair, gotta have the hair, too, to complete the look.

     Over six seasons, Carrie's do morphed from long rock star curls to sleek, chic chignons to messy chin-length bobs to every imaginable style in between and never once looked less than fabulous. And perfect. Or fabulously perfect. Better yet, perfectly fabulous. I know, I've got to come up with more words, but you get the idea.

THE GIRLS: More than anything else, I want to be Carrie Bradshaw because of “the girls,” her gal-pal posse that is by her side for every triumph and tribulation. As Big puts it, “You three know her better than anyone, you're the loves of her life and a guy's just lucky to come in fourth.”

     There's Miranda Hobbes (Cynthia Nixon), the feisty, red-headed lawyer who favors logic over love and straight talks Carrie when she finds herself falling in big time affair trouble with Big and later loses her “self” with Petrovsky. Just like Carrie, I sure can use a tough touchstone like Miranda when I start screwing up my life.

     There's also Charlotte York-MacDougal-York-Goldenblatt (Kristin Davis), the artsy, always proper Park Avenue pal that believes true love exists and is forever finding ways to make it happen for herself and the girls. Just when Charlotte is on the verge of giving up – “I've been dating since I was 15. I'm exhausted! Where is he?” – she finds her Prince Charming in Dr. Trey MacDougal. Unfortunately, Charlotte's marriage to Trey doesn't last (like Trey's erections). But, her Tiffany engagement ring rescues Carrie from having to live in her Manolos when her building goes condo, and Charlotte's divorce lawyer Harry Goldenblatt turns out to be the true love she kept believing in. Charlotte is exactly the cheerleader chum I need for life's rough spots. Maybe her money can't buy me happiness, but it can buy a lot of Cosmopolitans and that's a start.

     I saved Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall) for last. Because she's the best. With her free-wheeling sexuality (“I'm a trisexual. I'll try anything once.”) and say-anything sauciness (“I'm dating a guy with the funkiest tasting spunk.”), Samantha is the show's Next-Best-Thing-To-Sex dessert you feel guilty about enjoying but eat every last bite of anyway. She loves sex. She loves her body. And she's not afraid to let both be known.

     Samantha is beautiful, brazen, and hooked up with boy toy Smith Jerrod (Jason Lewis), a hung hottie that even hangs tight with her through breast cancer. Of all the girls, and I do love them all, I would choose to be Samantha if I can't get “Carrie”d away. (Being a public relations pro, Samantha can really pop a phrase, second only to CB. She used that play on words in Carrie and Big's rehearsal dinner toast. Couldn't resist borrowing it.)

***

So the other evening my sweetie DMan is taking me out for a little wine tasting, then a wine-sipping visit with friends. An actual date night. Since most of my time is spent in grubby jeans and boring t-shirts for my job shelving books, I decided to channel my inner Carrie and spiff up. I slipped on a hot pink bra and left an extra button undone on my silky black blouse for a pop of pink “accessory.” I hauled out the gray high-heeled faux-croc mock booties that have been relegated to storage under the bed forever, paired them with dark boot-cut low-rider Levis. I mussed my hair and gave it a spritz of spray for that after-sex look Carrie pulls off so well. I even found the makeup kit I mostly use for zit coverage and shadowed my eyes in shades of gray, lined my lids with the least dried-up eye pencil. The final Carrie touch was a slick of pink lip gloss.

     There. As close to Carrie as I'll ever be. I looked in the mirror and . . . hideous looked back at me. Somehow I resembled a cheap hooker under the florescent lights at Wal-Mart after a long, hard night way more than the fabulous idol I was trying to emulate. The ancient eye liner was already flaking, leaving gray flecks on my cheeks. The shadow job I worked so hard on made my eyes look sunk in, as if I'd just been sprung from prison camp. The pink gloss gave my teeth a yellow(er) cast. The pink bra didn't even show unless I bent completely over since I have no cleavage to heave it out there. And I nearly broke my neck in those heels trying to pirouette in front of the mirror to witness this hideousness.

     Before my obituary read “death by heels” or I frightened DMan off for good, I realized right then it was time to kiss Carrie Bradshaw good-bye. As much as I hated it, I had to finally admit: CB I ain't never gonna be.

     I'll never have her looks, no matter how much makeup I put on. I'll never pull off her perfectly put-together style, even if Patricia Field showed up with a wardrobe truck full of Carrie's clothes in my size. My hair will always be too kinky to be rock star curly and too curly to be sleek straight, so trying to have Carrie's do is a don't. I'll never lie next to Big and watch him blow smoke rings at the ceiling after sex, never have Seth dump me after sex, never get to cheat on Aidan with Big, never get the Post-it breakup from Berger, and never get to dance (horizontally or otherwise) and romance with Petrovsky. And the girls? The only time I'll get to have my own gal-pal posse like the girls is when I pop them in the DVD player. My Carrie dream is over.

     But wait. I am still a writer. That's my only shot at living the CB life. Now if I can just figure out a subject I know about that's as fabulous as her “Sex And The City” columns. Huh? What could it be? I do know a lot about Carrie Bradshaw and “Sex And The City” – what could be more fabulous than that? And I do have six seasons worth of episodes, the “SATC: Kiss and Tell” official companion book, the trivia game, and the movie for research material. This might work.

     Pucker up, Carrie Bradshaw! The dream lives.